The Sleaze Issue 24

Dear Sir,

I must say that it is a pleasure that the Hutton enquiry has seen great figures leap to the defence of Mr Blair, but imagine my joy when that old favourite from the world of defending the realm, John Scarlet, gave his evidence. It is nice to know that he has done so well since his days with Spectrum - how we marvelled at his dealing with the Mysteron attacks! And let us not forget that he is a man that cannot be threatened or intimidated (except by electricity), so he cannot be got at. I must say that I would have thought that his former boss Colonel White might have been in evidence, as no one would be more knowledgeable on international threats than he. I hope now that Mr Scarlet is back in the public eye we can expect him to be having more exciting adventures?

PS: Do you think that Brains of International Rescue is as bent as they say?

Herb Hergenflast, Pudsey, London

Doc Sleaze Replies: Sadly, Captain Scarlet's one vulnerability was quickly discovered by the CIA, which, to this day, uses electrodes applied to the balls as its favoured method of interrogation. It is a great pity that Spectrum was abolished as a result of 1970s defence cuts, as Cloudbase (sold for scrap in 1977) would surely have been the perfect base of operations for UN weapons inspectors in Iraq, with its ability to overfly suspect WMD sites and, if necessary, destroy them with its Angel Interceptors. Sadly, Colonel White was given a dishonourable discharge in 1981 after pictures of him in a compromising position with Captain Pink surfaced in the 'News of the World'. Despite his claims that their strings had become inadvertently tangled whilst looking for some bulldog clips in the stationary cupboard, White was forced to retire. As for Brains, well, I feel that the size and thickness of his glasses tell us all we need to know about his leisure activities!

Doc Sleaze Replies: Those damn peace loving Germans, eh? You just can't rely on anyone these days. Actually The Sleaze prides itself on its internationalism (as witnessed by Issue 23's guest editorial from Papa Sleaze, editor of the African Sleaze) - except where the Turks are concerned. It has been a while since we had a go at these bushy moustachioed, curly toed slipper wearing brigands and buggerers - although I see that the US has taken to arresting their soldiers in Northern Iraq on suspicion of plotting to bugger to death a Kurdish town mayor. Perhaps Turkey can be the next target of Bush's militarism - I'm sure he and Blair can 'sex up' some 'intelligence' to prove that they are developing weapons of mass sodomy or something...

Dear Sir,

I feel I must write in to comment on the disgraceful behaviour of certain nations toward our great leaders George W Bush and Tony Blair, and their commendable efforts to wage war on the unholy hordes of Islam. Whilst I expect this sort of cowardice from the French, the attitude of the Germans leaves me aghast. What has happened to this fine race of warriors? Time was, you could rely on them to start invading Europe, filling the low countries with blood and committing genocide at the drop of the hat! Now after two successive defeats they sit wringing their hands telling us they have renounced militarism and are now peace loving! Bloody homosexuals the of of them! Clearly we weren't tough enough on them after 1945 - if only we'd imposed reparations as we did in 1918, we could have guaranteed the speedy rise of another totalitarian dictatorship and reliable ally!

Col. R G Wackford-Smythe (Ret'd)
High Wycombe

Dear Sir,

I was so glad to hear Her Majesty telling us in her Christmas Message that we should pay homage to the sheer professionalism of Britain's armed forces in the recent Gulf conflict, even if we didn't agree with the invasion of Iraq itself. I applaud such sentiments and believe they should be extended to other unpopular conflicts. I for one should like to contragulate the SS guards at Germany's concentration camps during World War Two for their professionalism. Not once did they shirk from carrying out their duties. It couldn't have been easy, having to witness all those women and children starving to death in appaling living conditions. But did those SS guards give in to the temptation to give them extra rations, or even free them? They did not! Quite rightly they followed their orders to the letter and - deaf to pleas for mercy - ensured that every last one of them went to the gas chambers. Thank God for the professionalism of our brave boys!

Sturmbanfuerher Kurt von Krutchwarmer, SS (Ret'd)

Doc Sleaze Replies: Yes indeed, wouldn't it be a terrible shame if 'our' boys were subjected to the same shameful treatment as the SS - war crimes trials and universal condemnation. I quite agree that if you are going to violate international law and infringe people's basic human rights, you should at least go about it in a professional manner.